Raising Money

I'm selling some items (negotiable on everything):

1. BenQ Joybee GP1 DLP Mini Projector - $350 Sold :)
   
2. Balenciaga City in Jet Black - $1200
3. Chloe Paddington in Chocolate Brown - $600 Sold :)
   
4. Coach clutch - $100
5. Coach wallet - $75

If you're interested, email me at debtchronicles (at) hotmail.com. :)

Good News!

I found a replacement tenant for my apartment, who plans to move in the first week of February. I found this person after a day of searching!! The apartment managers were thrilled.

My mom and I also found an awesome house (with a landlord who seems really nice) only a little more than a mile away from where I currently live (which, aside from not having tennis courts across the street, is an even better area). I can't wait to get a puppy. :)

The only iffy things are that (1) we haven't yet signed a lease (though I put down a partial deposit), and (2) the owner is renovating and thinks he'll be done in "2 weeks." He's been saying 2 weeks since Sunday, so that would put the completion date somewhere between Jan 30th-Feb 1st. It could work out perfectly. Fingers remain firmly crossed!

I need to sit down with my mom and figure out a budget. Once we have the lease signed and everything is a done deal, I'll post an update on the financial front.

I'm trying not to get angry

...but I don't know if it's working.

First of all, we have been together more than 6 years. For many years, we split all our finances. We made a mutual decision for me to quit my full-time job so that I could focus on school. When I graduated from school and couldn't find a job, he agreed to pay my monthly expenses. I told him I wanted that money to be considered a loan.

When there were jobs that were not ideal that I could have taken, he encouraged me not to take them. We had long discussions where we again came to a mutual agreement that I would try to find something part-time, and just focus on studying on the bar.

I relied on him. And he relied on me, in every way that didn't have to do with money. I envisioned a future in which school was entirely behind me, and I would be supporting him while he built up his own company.

Do I think he's being GENEROUS? No. I think he's being FAIR. He's doing what is morally right in our situation. It has nothing to do with me being "irresponsible" with money. Mutual decisions were made based on the assumption that we would be together in the foreseeable future. A mutual decision was made that I would not work full-time while I was studying for the bar. He SCREWED ME OVER. He could have PREPARED ME for this. And he realizes that. Which is why these decisions have been reached. (well, that and the fact that he says he still loves and cares for me so much and wants to still be close and see me... and he's conflicted and may just be a "stupid little boy.")

And re: the lease... we are not allowed subletters. We are not allowed assignees. So I can't just find someone to take over our lease (although I did approach the landlords with the possibility - they can agree to a lease amendment if they so choose). We've always been good tenants, and this is a pretty small management company... But I don't know how they'll react.

edit: So I should mention this post was in response to comments left on my previous post... which I deleted. But I think you get the gist of what they were saying!

Finances and the Future

M (or should I just start referring to him as "the ex" now?) and I talked over the weekend. These are the tentative things we've agreed to:

1. He's going to give me $2800 to cover finances for the next two months.
2. Assuming I move out by the end of January, he's going to give me $10,000 (approximately the amount he would have had to pay for rent and utilities for the next 5 months - so he'll be paying the money to me instead of the landlord).
3. He's going to look through all my credit card statements and determine what was for us or him, and then he'll give me half of whatever that amount is. He said gas he'll pay half automatically (since I have been his chauffeur for the past 6 yrs!), and he'll "consider" food (how many times I've brought him back food after going out with friends/family, I can't even count).
4. He and I are going to sell a bunch of his, my, and our stuff in the house on Craig's List and eBay and split the proceeds.

$10k/Moving Issues

This is a little tricky, because we don't have an exit clause in the lease, and there's no guarantee that the landlord will be able to rent this place by the time we'ved moved out. He knows this and we've talked about this. I think if they can't find someone, he's just going to choose to let the matter go into collections and ding his (and my) credit. The other tricky part here is that while he has already moved in with his dad and stepmom, my mom needs to find a new place before I can start moving. There are 20 days left for her to find a place, for me to move in, and for he and I to clean this place.

If I had to guess, and assuming all goes smoothly, I'll have about $18,000 come February 1st. I will probably have to use some of it for part of the security deposit and first month's rent in the new place. The rest will go to credit cards.

It will be insanely tight until I get a well-paying job again. And I'll be insanely stressed over the next two months, while I continue to struggle to deal with this break-up, study for the bar, work, and move (ugh, I hate moving). But... I'll survive. I'll put it back together again (been listening to a lot of Diana Vickers! ha).

Thank You

Thank you so much for all your kind words, support and encouragement on my last post... It's helped. And thank you to everyone on Twitter for putting up with a week of my moping... and possibly many more weeks and months of it to come.

I haven't seen him since a quick visit on Monday night. He still has the majority of his stuff in our apartment. He was supposed to come by Tuesday to move more stuff, and talk to me about how we're going to handle things, but he came down with a cold. He said he was coming this weekend, but I'll be out of town with my friend (a free stay at her friend's house in the desert!). So I guess we'll talk and finalize things next week.

Yesterday morning was pretty bad, but I felt much stronger as the day wore on. But then this morning, after another night of dreams involving him, the panic welled up in me again. I called him; he didn't pick up. Thankfully, I had my mom, his sister, and my friend responding back to my texts immediately... So I didn't do something even more pathetic, like call him multiple times. A couple hours went by, and I felt better again. He called me back just a minute ago from his parents' home phone. I picked up because I didn't know who it was. He was talking like normal, with affection - I guess it was the cold that did it. He said he wanted to make sure I was alright. I said I was fine. It was a quick, couple minute conversation. I was torn between wanting to say so many things, and wanting to say nothing.

His mom and sister in England reached out to me. His mom went through a divorce with his dad at the 6 year mark as well (though he left her for another woman) - she thinks he has a case of the "male crazies" just like his dad. I suspect that his dad is playing some part in all of this, maybe indirectly, maybe over the entirety of our years together. His dad asked M, when we had been together 1 year, whether he didn't want to be with someone in his own field. And here he's decided that yes... he sure does.

I studied a little bit yesterday. But not enough. And I haven't been working. My mom keeps texting me with commands to "study!!!!" but I don't feel motivated in the slightest bit. I know I just need to find the strength within myself. But is it ok if I'm not strong for at least the rest of the week?

Heart-broken

M, my boyfriend of 6+ years, who I've been living with for 5 years, broke up with me yesterday. He said it was because of a number of factors, but mainly that he just wanted "someone new." He said he felt he was being presented with two choices, either marry me and feel resentment over the "what ifs" or leave me and explore those "what ifs." He also wants alone time, wants to find himself, wants to not to be with the same person the entirety of his 20s, wants someone who feels good about themselves no matter what they look like (I don't feel good when I don't shower... is that a crime?!), wants someone who will collaborate with him on programming projects... BUT he wants me to know he still loves me. (Great!)

This is all a rehash of a conversation I vaguely mentioned last year. I thought we had discussed and resolved most of the issues he brought up, but I guess not. And I guess you can't really work through a "nagging feeling at the back of [his] mind for someone new."

I was with my last boyfriend for about 2 1/2 years, we weren't living together, I wasn't fond of his family, and our relationship was very much done by the time we broke up. And I still cried for days, was depressed for weeks.

This is a whole other situation. I'm close with his family, he's close with mine. My little sister adores him. Everything in the house is ours, everything bears each other's mark. He engraved all my electronics. We have pictures everywhere. He doesn't understand why reminders of us are painful to me. He said it should be reminders of the good times we had. I don't know what to say to that.

He's going to be moving out in the next couple days, probably with his family. He said I can keep whatever I want in the apartment. He also said he would continue paying the rent until the lease expires in June. That's good of him, I guess. It's clear he wants to remain my friend. I'd like that too... I think? I don't know what I need to do to get over him. The thought of being in this apartment alone every day and night brings me to tears. I wish my family lived in my city and not an hour away. I wish I had friends down the street. But I don't.

So I'm feeling a lot of anguish. I know it's probably normal. I just really felt like he was the one I was going to be with for the foreseeable future. I know I took some things for granted. We fell into a rut. I wonder what I should or could have done differently. Or maybe he would have felt he wanted "variety" no matter what I did.

I went to my friend's party last night. She kept telling me he would "come around and apologize." I asked him if he was thinking about coming back (or trying to come back) after he's had his alone time/variety. He said he didn't know, but that he didn't want me to think about it. I probably shouldn't have even brought it up; there are things I've said that have made me feel pathetic. But honestly I don't know what the best things to say or do at this point would be.

I really appreciate all the kind words on Twitter. It's been comforting. But I'm so very sad. And I need to pull myself together so I can study for the bar. I don't know what to do...