Feeling kind of depressed today. I've mentioned before that M (my boyfriend) has been working non-stop for the past 2 months. It's been midnight every day for awhile, and the past couple weeks that's bled into the weekend too. I can't remember the last time we had a full weekend together.

He works in the entertainment industry, and they have a project deadline coming up in July... I thought he would be done done in July, but now he tells me he'll have to keep pushing forward through August (at which point he can work "normal" hours again - although who knows what normal is to him at this point!).

Because he comes home so late, he does nothing when it comes to household chores - all of it falls to me. We kind of have an arrangement (which began to take form after I downgraded to working part-time last summer) in which he pays for all the food and I take care of things around the house. I was ok with doing it when I was going to school and working minimal hours (despite not having a domestic bone in my body, I even kind of enjoyed learning how to cook), but starting next week I'll have school every night and be working every day... thinking about how I have to also keep the house clean (or allow it to turn into a pigsty, which he is perfectly happy with) is causing me a lot of stress. Even more stress comes with the fact that we're supposed to move next month, and I'm going to have to deal with all the arrangements (writing the notice to vacate, selling excess furniture, arranging the moving company, hiring carpet cleaners, showing the place to prospective tenants - oh, and did I mention the apartment hunt was entirely orchestrated by me? it was a struggle to even get him to look at places).

Not only that, but I'm feeling resentment towards him for having no time to spend with me. I'm well aware work is important, valuable, necessary - I'm sure as an attorney I'll have plenty of late nights too - but I feel like he's letting work suck his life away - suck our life away. Yes, he's the best person his company has (I'm not bragging when I say this; he loves the work he does, he's been doing it his whole life for fun, and he knows it inside and out), but I think the company is taking advantage of that fact. Or rather, he is letting them take advantage of that fact. It's not like they're requiring him to work the hours that he does. Maybe my unhappiness really stems from my feeling that he is choosing work over me.

It came to a head today when he told me he doesn't want to go on our trip to Europe. It was originally for his mom's wedding, but she changed plans, and then his dad suggested we go for his sister's graduation in July... but he said no, he doesn't want to, and that he "hates vacations" because they're "stressful" and that "anyway, we were just in Europe" (we went to England to visit his family last summer). Oh, and he also threw in a "you're poor" for good measure. (for the record, I've been selling purses/shoes/clothes on ebay to fund the trip) And that's when he also announced that he wouldn't really be done with the project until August. We had a heated conversation in which I told him I couldn't be with someone who doesn't like to travel. I mean, he has fun when he goes - after hours upon hours of discussion, argument, cajoling - until I finally convince him. But that takes a lot of the fun out of it. Ultimately he would much prefer either being at work, or being home on his computer doing things similar to what he does at work. That drives me crazy.

Anyway, I kind of went off on a tangent there... I'm just really frustrated. I suppose I'm echoing the sentiments of a lot of women, but I do not feel appreciated, and my feminist side is itching for a brawl!


Serendipity said...

You know I understand where your coming from. Rambo used to work several days a week and we would argue about everything. He never wanted to do anything but play video games or sleep. It made me very depressed to the point where I hated coming up and seeked solace drinking at the bars with W and dancing the nights away. I tried getting hobbies as people told me to do, work on myself the best way I knew how and basically, just dealing. But you can only deal so much before your head goes under. Your not being selfish. I'm not quite sure how Rambo and I made past it. I think something had to give, on both our ends, but I'm not quite sure what did. We still have minor flare ups, but nothing like last year. I'm not really sure what to say or tell you how to get past this, but communication is key. I think thats whats helped us work things out. If you need someone to vent to, I'm always available. I feel like I know exactly how you feel, for certain reasons ( everybodys situation is different) Hope things work out love.


Sunflowers said...

Aww, thanks. :) Thanks for reading my (long) rant! *hugs*

Serendipity said...

*hugs back* anytime

Heather M said...

It sounds like you guys have different priorities right now. Its not fair that you get all of the chores and he doesn't. Plus, even if he is working a million hours, he could leave you little notes or do something small to clean up when he comes home....

knight said...

this sounds like how my fiancee feels towards me. it might be a good idea to take him out to dinner one of these days and talk it out and remind him how good it feels to have fun with each other.

Sunflowers said...

@Hedder: We spend time together at night, but it's always the same - sitting in front of the tv eating. And then the dishes are left for me to clean up when I get back from work the next day. :p

@mydebtcomeback: He knows how I feel, but he's like "work needs me, you have to deal with it." Not quite that cold, but that's the basic message.

Mentally Sane said...

It sounds to me as though you guys have different sets of values and unless they're resolved or you can find some middle ground, you'll always feel resentful.

With regard to your arrangement, it seems as though the initial arrangement has changed, so it therefore warrants another discussion. The previous arrangement seemed to be based on the fact that you were working part-time, but now that you're back to full-time and have school, it might be best if you find a way to split both the bills and the chores. It may also ease your resentment a little as well.

If talking to him doesn't help the situation, you may be faced with the hard decision of whether or not you see this relationship going anywhere. As I said, you clearly have different values. And communication seems to be a problem in that you talk, but he doesn't seem to be willing to compromise. Sometimes you just have to move on. Good luck with whatever you decide!

Kristy @ MYC

Money Dieter said...

I do hate when household chores can't seem to be split evenly. I get irritated sometimes coming home from work and the apartment doesn't look clean enough or there's a pile of dirty dishes. My husband is a student so sometimes I wish he would just clean up more.

Miss M said...

Even when they aren't working their tails off I find it hard to convince a guy that household chores are worthy of their attention. I'm like, would you root around in your own filth if I weren't here? Sadly I think the answer is yes. Definitely sit down and try to talk these things out or your going to simmer until you explode. See if there are small chores he can help with that don't take much time, like taking out the trash or wiping down the sink. Every little bit helps. Or pitch in together when he gets home, I never want to do chores either but together we can commiserate about not having a maid. Is a maid an option?

Shtinkykat said...

I'm not a domestic diva either so this type of arrangement would drive me batty too. He's working long hours at work so he's thinking it's only fair that you do the housework. But it's really not comparable because he actually enjoys his work and you don't particularly enjoy cooking, cleaning, etc. Do you think you can come to a compromise to hire a cleaning service at least once a month? With respect to his resistance to travel, sounds like he just needs a nudge (ok, a big shove) to do it, but he'll ultimately do it and enjoy it. He may just be pre-occupied at work to even think about travelling right now. You may want to approach him again in August. :-D

Anonymous said...

My best advice is to get a maid. Chad and I live in a tiny apartment, but I would go crazy trying to keep it clean on top of work and school.

You're probably bringing in enogh money to cover it, and just having someone come in 2x per month will at least keep you from having to do the deep cleaning yourself.

Dr. Faith said...

Wow, this all sounds very familiar.

I dated a guy for 5 years that worked for a video game company, they would also have what he called "crunch" times where he would work for 3-4 months at a time, 7 days a week, 16-20 hours per day. It was HORRIBLE. For him and for our relationship.

I don't want to sound like I'm sticking up for him, but knowing what this can do I'm just going to say, he isn't thinking straight. He is stressed at work, and planning vacations and weddings and doing anything other than just doing NOTHING once the project is over (now in August) is probably all that he can think about.

It is perfectly reasonable for you to be upset about it, but also reasonable that he doesn't want to deal with it right now seeing that his work is consuming him right now.

My advice would be to wait till he has two days off (if that comes) and re-visit the conversation then. When he is rested and not thinking constantly about work. Or just mention that you'll plan everything so that he doesn't have to worry about it. I'm guessing (though I could be wrong) that going to these weddings just sounds like more work to him, so try to make it as easy as you possibly can.

And as for the cleaning, definitely hire a maid. No reason for you to be stressed about this. =)

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