Apparently. Because I'm on the verge of moving in with the guy I'm dating. The guy I've been dating for just about 2 months.
I mentioned major issues with my mom in my last post. Some of the major issues have to do with my guy. She was NOT happy that I was spending all my time with him, having him come over every night. She felt like I was "choosing him over [her]" and she was shocked that I had "moved on so soon." And unfortunately the walls are very thin. So movie watching past 10 is a a problem, and other activities are an even bigger one. He was basically banned from any area of the house other than my room. She radiated hostility at him. And things exploded one night a few weeks ago. Ever since, I've basically been living in his studio. He has a tiny bed and bathroom; I've been sleeping really badly and feeling claustrophobic. So we talked about it, and decided it would be economical to move into a new place together.
He's almost 30 and never lived with anyone, despite being in several long relationships. He had a bit of a panic attack over it. I had one for different reasons. The apartment we're on the verge of renting is $1800 and a 2 bedroom/2 bath (it's really adorable, homey and bright). $900 each isn't bad and much better than what I'm paying to live with my mom. But (and it's a big but), he's looking for jobs all over the country. He's willing to go where the wind takes him. I'm firmly rooted in LA. So, if he up and left, I would have to find a roommate... but maybe that's not so bad. I've decided I enjoy living with people.
The alternative is to find a 1 bedroom that I can easily afford on my own. I have seen a few decent ones for $1200.
So... what do you think? Is this a foolish decision I'm on the verge of making? And am I a terrible person for walking away from the house that my mom and I rented together? (Note that I'm not on the lease, at her request...)
8 hours ago
17 comments:
I dunno, hun. I rushed into living with T (didn't want to yet but circumstances dictated a change and that was the easiest route for us) and it worked out okay. But we'd been together a year at that point. I can't help but feel this could end in some tears, especially if he does move and leaves you saddled with full rent.
I would get your own place...if things continue to progress he can move in there, but if he moves or things don't work out you're not stuck with rent you can't afford without someone else. Just my two cents, but good luck no matter what you choose!
I think you're right to move out, you need to be free to have who you want over and to enjoy your own space. I think getting your own place is a better option though, so you don't get stuck with to high a rent if he goes.
good luck!
Gee, that's a hard one. I moved in with my boyfriend after about 5 months of dating. But it was more out of convenience since we were long distance and I moved to be where he was. You mentioned in an earlier post that you two were in an "open" relationship. Do you think you'll be okay with that once you are living with him? That's definitely something to think about. The safest route would be to get your own place and see what happens with him - you could always move in together later. I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do.
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Every fiber of me tells me that you should not move in together. You are still finding yourself living without a significant other, after being with him for a long time. You are still finding your way in the work world and taking finals steps to finish off your exams. You still have the debts you borrowed from your ex (the ones on your sidebars), unless that has been dealt with.
I would take the time to find you and get good bearings, and get to know him better.
But let's face it...we're all anonymous online persons who haven't met you. You know you best.
The only thing I'd think about is making sure you understand how hard it is to get out of a living situation like that if things don't work out.
Obviously you've considered this, but I find once you merge lives and households, and if you break up, getting your stuff out and having to see them (painfully) each day is very difficult to handle.
I don't know... is the reason your mother doesn't like him really as it was stated? Have you gone down and deep into trying to get a reason? She could have some other motives you should be aware of... maybe she doesn't like him for a valid reason, and instead of telling you to dump him, she's showing her dislike, hoping that you pick up on this mystery reason. Also, seeing that you just came out of a long-term relationship, she might also want to make sure you are doing the right thing right now...
As far as moving in with him, that's a no. Sounds economically reasonable? Absolutely. But no. You don't know him well yet. If things head south (not saying they ever have to!), it would be a second hit too close to a first hit not a few months ago. Give yourself time. If you want to move, go for your own place. And talk to your mother... they know you best.
I think that if you really want to live with him, get a one-bedroom that you can afford on your own and have him pay half. You don't really need a two bedroom because you're going to be sleeping in the same room.
I think that natural starlet has a point. How would you feel if you're at home with him and he is getting ready to go out on a date? I don't know how you're open relationship is working but that's what I would be worried about. I don't know if I could handle that. If your relationship is open as in swinging, that might not be an issue because you could just go out together in search of that.
Your mom kind of sounds like mine. I feel a little bad for you because I know how that goes.
I think it's a bad idea. You're still recovering and healing from your last relationship. You haven't yet learned that you're okay on your own without a guy. You have expressed concern that you're not sure if you want to be in an open relationship but that you're already in one. Leaving a bad situation to move in together isn't a good reason when you ARE stable. You risk your relationship with your mother, whom you probably feel really annoyed at right now, but she is more important. And even if you WERE ready, if he's not ready, that's reason enough not to.
The possibility of getting stuck with an $1800 rent bill would make me very nervous. If you want to move in together, I'd find a place that won't wreck your budget if it takes you a month or two to find a good roomie.
Several other people make a good point that he could reasonably expect to go on dates and bring them home for fun afterward. I know people who have happy and successful long-term relationships with this dynamic. But not very many of them.
If your good friend or family member came to you with "Hey, so I'm moving in with this guy I met a few weeks ago. Mom hates him. He's still sleeping with other women. He found an apartment that is out of my budget considering that debt I'm dealing with. Oh and he's looking for jobs out of town..."
What would you tell her?
If you don't like living with your mother, then move out on your own. Putting your physical and financial security on the line for someone you didn't know 8 weeks ago is foolish.
I'm sorry, honey, but I think moving in with him this quickly off the heels of your recent long-term relationship is a bad idea, even if this new guy were "the one." (If he is "the one" then he'll keep - it won't matter.) But added on top of that, part of the reason that you moved in with your mom is for financial reasons. That situation hasn't really changed. And (being the bearer of bad news -- it breaks my heart to have to say it), there is a price that you pay for having as much debt as you do and not passing the bar and not getting the big salaried lawyer job, and that is that you can't afford to move out and live on your own. I'm really sorry. I just don't think that this is really a choice for you.
Oh I also meant to add that maybe you could buy a comfy bed together at his place -- that would be a better decision than living together. But also, if you can squeeze out $1200 a month, it needs to go to pay off your credit card or student loan debt. (Because, even if you declare bankruptcy, god forbid, student loans are not discharged and you still must pay them.)
Wtf?
In your last blog entry, you confessed to being in an open relationship with this guy.
And in a matter of weeks you've already exchanged "I love you".
Now you're going to move in with him.
I'm sorry, but are you insane? Everyone else has approached this with tact and sympathy so I'm probably going to sound overly harsh and even downright mean, but I feel like this needs to be said and I'm totally willing to accept you hating me for it. I think this is completely stupid. I think you're being careless with your own heart. I don't think there's any chance this won't blow up in your face, it's absolutely doomed.
This man doesn't love you. I'm not sure if you love him.I think you took all the feelings of your last relationship and tried to transfer them over to someone new, who for whatever baggage they're carrying themselves, accepted the burden. I know, I know, this is the part where you get to exclaim "You don't know me!" and you're right, I don't. But I do know that heartache takes a long time to heal, that love needs time to grow -- and that men that love you DON'T date other people. I don't even care if he's stopped and you guys aren't seeing other people anymore, when you love someone, you don't WANT other people. This guy is a douche. RUN.
Seriously. This is such a train wreck, you need to be kinder to yourself.
Eeesh. I would say that this is some kind of risk taking behavior. Like Ee Musings, Rambo and I rushed into living with each other but I think the circumstances were a bit different. Rambo and I were friends for two years before dating and actually dated pseudo dated ( talked every day, hung out exclusively for 3 months) before really dating ( 3 mths) before we moved in together.
I just think this whole thing says bad news on it. I would get your own studip apartment if you can't live with your mom anymore and continue to see him and discuss moving in with him again after six months to see if you guys would still like that option.
Hithatsmybike is right on the aspect that we don't fully know you. And everyones relationship is different so if you were in an open relationship, thats your businessl Everyone has their own love rules and different things work for different people. But I do think moving him with him just for financial reasons is a bit silly at the moment, especially since you just moved out in Janurary from the apartment with M.
I already read your next entry, but I wanted to comment here too. It is a risk, and you know that, but you are allowed to take risks. It might end up fine, great even, and it might not.
I definitely rushed into things with T, quickly after a relationship ended. It doesn't always turn out badly. But when it does, it is pretty awful.
Sorry that living with your mom isn't working out - it sounds like this would have eventually been an issue regardless of the new guy.
i think you are a person who likes the path of least resistance regardless of consequences.
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