Heart-broken

M, my boyfriend of 6+ years, who I've been living with for 5 years, broke up with me yesterday. He said it was because of a number of factors, but mainly that he just wanted "someone new." He said he felt he was being presented with two choices, either marry me and feel resentment over the "what ifs" or leave me and explore those "what ifs." He also wants alone time, wants to find himself, wants to not to be with the same person the entirety of his 20s, wants someone who feels good about themselves no matter what they look like (I don't feel good when I don't shower... is that a crime?!), wants someone who will collaborate with him on programming projects... BUT he wants me to know he still loves me. (Great!)

This is all a rehash of a conversation I vaguely mentioned last year. I thought we had discussed and resolved most of the issues he brought up, but I guess not. And I guess you can't really work through a "nagging feeling at the back of [his] mind for someone new."

I was with my last boyfriend for about 2 1/2 years, we weren't living together, I wasn't fond of his family, and our relationship was very much done by the time we broke up. And I still cried for days, was depressed for weeks.

This is a whole other situation. I'm close with his family, he's close with mine. My little sister adores him. Everything in the house is ours, everything bears each other's mark. He engraved all my electronics. We have pictures everywhere. He doesn't understand why reminders of us are painful to me. He said it should be reminders of the good times we had. I don't know what to say to that.

He's going to be moving out in the next couple days, probably with his family. He said I can keep whatever I want in the apartment. He also said he would continue paying the rent until the lease expires in June. That's good of him, I guess. It's clear he wants to remain my friend. I'd like that too... I think? I don't know what I need to do to get over him. The thought of being in this apartment alone every day and night brings me to tears. I wish my family lived in my city and not an hour away. I wish I had friends down the street. But I don't.

So I'm feeling a lot of anguish. I know it's probably normal. I just really felt like he was the one I was going to be with for the foreseeable future. I know I took some things for granted. We fell into a rut. I wonder what I should or could have done differently. Or maybe he would have felt he wanted "variety" no matter what I did.

I went to my friend's party last night. She kept telling me he would "come around and apologize." I asked him if he was thinking about coming back (or trying to come back) after he's had his alone time/variety. He said he didn't know, but that he didn't want me to think about it. I probably shouldn't have even brought it up; there are things I've said that have made me feel pathetic. But honestly I don't know what the best things to say or do at this point would be.

I really appreciate all the kind words on Twitter. It's been comforting. But I'm so very sad. And I need to pull myself together so I can study for the bar. I don't know what to do...

33 comments:

Red said...

My heart really hurts for you, sweetie. :( I'm sorry this happened.

You definitely should not blame yourself. I know that's easier said than done, but if I focused on the "pathetic" things I've said to men I loved (or thought I loved in some cases), I'd probably never leave the house again out of pure humiliation. And what you asked is not pathetic. Your heart was just broken by someone you've loved for a very long time.

I think M has been reading too many romance novels if he thinks he's going to find 1) a girl who feels good about herself when she hasn't showered (WTF? Duh!) and 2) someone he can work with. Plus, how can you be with anyone if you think you need to "find yourself?" Sounds like he needs some time alone, not time with someone who likes to skip showers and program. It really sounds like he's confused right now, really confused.

I can't imagine being in your position. Mr. Red is the only man I've ever lived with, and if we split up, I know I couldn't stay here. Is there any way a friend or close relative could come and stay with you for a while? Or you could stay with someone? There's no easy fix to a broken heart (though I recommend strawberry ice cream and chocolate syrup), but it helps to be around people who love you who will just let you cry and get everything out. Don't beat yourself up if you take a while to mend... Six years is a long, long time. You have to give yourself time to grieve this loss without calling yourself pathetic. You're not pathetic. You're a lovely person who deserves better, even if you can't see that right now.

It's good that he's taking care of the lease until June. That's one less thing you have to worry about. I'm here if you need anything.

Canadian Saver said...

Oh no {{{hugs}}} I'm really sorry about this... take care of yourself as you go through this separation :-(

Well-Heeled said...

Hey there, so sorry to hear about this.

I just sent you an email.

Bea said...

I've been reading your blog for quite a while now, and though I rarely comment, I really enjoy reading it. I'm really sorry that this happened to you. From what you wrote, I don't think there was anything you could have done. Give it some time and see what happens. For right now, hang in there and focus on passing the bar.

Jolie said...

Sending you big hugs. This can't be an easy time for you. There will be a lot of challenges and changes coming your way. Know that your blog o sphere friends are here for you as much as they can be.

j. said...

I don't even know him and I think he's being a horse's rear. He's probably got some totally single friend who tells him tall tales of wild nights and gratuitous sex with random women and thinks he can have that too. Of course, the friend probably *isn't* and he most likely *won't* either. And then you can laugh at him.

If I were within a thousand miles of you (and actually knew you rather than being some random blog-follower) I'd offer to come and make him feel bad in the way of older siblings and shotgun-toting fathers. But I'm not, so I won't.

Instead, I recommend lots of ice cream and sappy movies and chocolate and crying (for no more than a week). Then beer and fun and angry girl music.

And no matter what, remember that the best possible revenge is to live your life, fully, with passion. So that when he sees you later (they always do) or comes crawling back (they sometimes do) you'll be the most amazing, beautiful, happy person in the room, and he'll feel like a total swine for dumping you. And he'll look at his random coder chick and know that he screwed up.

Aba said...

I just started reading your blog a few days ago (and went back and read a bit of the archives), but I'm really sorry this happened to you. :( Awful timing for you, and just awful situation all around.

It sounds like something one of my good friends pulled on his girlfriend last year. They did get back together after a week because he was miserable without her, but you never know what's going to happen and it's best to assume he's not coming back. He doesn't sound like a bad person, but a completely misguided and maybe a little emotionally immature person. And a person who you probably shouldn't be in a relationship with right now.

I had someone break up with me once when I was pulling an all nighter to work on a very important paper... It's going to be tough to focus on the Bar, and I think you should give your self a defined amount of time off from studying that you can afford (a day? a few days?). But don't do nothing during that time; figure out something else to keep you busy.

Again, so sorry this happened to you. :( I hope someone around you ends up being a good source of support for you through this.

TeacHer said...

OMG, what a totally unexpected turn of events! I'm so sorry to hear about this....I don't even know what to say, other than: keep your head up. I really think that the only thing that helps in these kinds of situations is time. Every day that goes by is one more day of distance between you and him, one more day closer to creating a life that doesn't include him. I know that sounds really awful right now, but that's essentially what you're going to need to do. Build a life that is YOURS, without him, painful as it may be. But when you're able to do that, you're also on the path to meeting someone who you'll be able to make a life with.

Based on my personal experience, I do think he will come back to you...but I don't think that you should take him back. If he's not totally sure about your relationship, you need to find someone who is.

On another note, who the f*** feels good about themselves no matter what, every SINGLE day? I'm sorry, but everyone has days when they feel like crap, showered or not. That was a really stupid thing for him to say to you.

*Hugs!*

payingmyself said...

I know I've said it on Twitter and I'll say it again - I'm so sorry to read this, and we're all here for you whatever you need.

I remember when my BF of three years broke up with me right when I started law school, on the day my parents left me in a new city in a new province. I called the one person I knew in the whole city, who was an acquaintance from undergrad but hardly a BFF, and bless her heart she took care of me. Being physically alone is hard at times like this, even when you know you have a whole world of folks rooting for you on the internet.

As for pulling yourself together to study, don't force yourself to right away if you're not ready. Take some time to hurt and heal and start studying when you're good and ready, or the studying won't do you any good anyway.

Sarah said...

I am so sorry to hear about the brake up, I commend you for being so open about how you feel. Its clear that his reasoning is nothing more then excuses but you can't stay with someone who doesn't want to be with you. Is there any way you can get out of your lease for a fresh start and new place would be a good idea. To be honest the 'friend' thing might not be the way to go, to help mend your heart you need to have your own 'alone' time to lick your wounds and pick yourself up again.

Treat this as a bright, good, new beginning to something bigger and better.

The PF blog world is here for you, feel free to call on us for support.

Saving Cents in the City: said...

I'm so sorry to hear that. :(

paranoidasteroid said...

Oh, my heart just ached for you reading this. There's nothing harder than having years spent with a person simply tossed out because they want someone new. I feel angry with him on your behalf - that's truly a horrible thing to do, especially if he claims to still love you!

*hugs*

jpkittie said...

I am so sorry that you are going through this right now... I know it is easy for me to say to stay strong, but you know what... let it out... cry, eat ice cream... whatever it is that will help you to feel better.

Thoughts are with you sweetie

Airam said...

Well doesn't he have impeccable timing?
I'm sorry to hear about this and while I'm sure you've heard this plenty of times, it really does get easier. But still, don't be afraid or ashamed to take all the time you need to deal with it.

Little Miss Southern said...

:( I'm so sorry! Awful news! Get some movies & candy!

Serendipity said...

Just reading this makes my heart for you. I'm really sorry that this happened and especially on new years.

I don't know what hes thinking about. You are beautiful. You truly are, inside and out. And really? I feel so gross without showering so he's on crack thinking people normally feel gorgeous without bathing.

I'm not sure where things will go from here but you're strong, I just know it. And if you need me, for anything, message me. I'm serious.

Sallie's Niece said...

I am so sorry you're going through this right now. Know that it's okay to take a few days, weeks to just fall apart before you put the pieces back together and start mending.

Sassy Sassy said...

This is terrible news for you! I hope that the rest of 2011 treats you much better than HE did! :o(

Good luck!

graduatedlearning said...

Wow. Sorry to hear about this!

My last big breakup involved a lot of crying, trying to negotiate things in my head, figuring out how I could change, how I could get him back, etc. It's not healthy, but I think it's important to get that all out. Then afterward, it's key to acknowledge that you're not going to get back together, so trying is a bad idea. That was the case with me. Having just come to your blog seeing all the other bloggers tweeting their condolences, I'm not certain on the whole story. But if he left it open ended, that makes it even harder to deal with...the hope that things could change.
Don't think you need to change. It's fine to shower! You can enjoy getting dressed up! The whole desire for a "completely natural girl" goes from being romantic in thought to illogical in practice. And no one wants to be with someone who completely lets themselves go.
But anyway, I want to assure you that the pain will subside. That last ex and I are now really good friends. But in between, I definitely avoided him, and we didn't interact for a while. We needed time to shift from a couple to exes to friends.
Again, sorry to hear such sad news! And sorry I only just found your blog! I guess I should go read some past posts and catch up with you!

M said...

I'm so sorry to hear this ... I know you're getting a lot of comments, but the best love advice I got from a friend was that in break-ups, it's never mutual, there's always an instigator, and if one person isn't happy, then it's the best thing in the long run. It's better that he pulls this now than ten years down the road ... and you can bet that if he was in fact going to do it now, he would DEFINITELY do it in the future too.

This is really intrusive of me, but I wouldn't torture yourself with thinking that he may change his mind and come crawling back to you ... because even if he did, you may feel like you've grown beyond him anyways (that's what happened to me, he broke up with me, came back, and then I had to break his heart two months later, because the break made me realize that well, we were broken!).

Regardless, you'll make it through this, much stronger for it too.

ND Chic'c Cents said...

Sunflowers, I'm so sorry. My heart aches for you. Life isn't a romance novel and his expectations aren't realistic. Hugs.

Jen said...

I am really sorry to read this. People who do this around the holidays are just plain mean.

You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you.

Study for the bar and rock it!

thewanderingbudget said...

So sorry to hear this. I've been reading for awhile and feel that this must be shattering. Breakups are horrible but it's also a challenge that can be overcome. Over a year ago I bookmarked this blog post from another blogger I read as it struck me as true, called "how to deal with heartbreak." http://nicoleisbetter.com/how-to-deal-with-heartbreak

eemusings said...

Ohhhhhh. I've only just gotten back and read this. I am SO so sorry.

I know a couple who recently broke up. It was her that wanted to explore more, or whatever, and now she's doing that with one of his friends, which we all think is pretty uncool on her part. It sounds to me like he is being as decent about it as possible, which is something, right?

Please do let me know if you need anything or just to vent (send me an email?). I hope you'll be okay money-wise too. We're all here for you.

Kaye said...

I've been reading for a while, but have never commented. However, when I read this post, my heart broke for you.

Know that I will be praying for you.

stuffedwithfluff said...

boo, i'm sorry you have to go through this. As someone who's been through something similar, I can definitely say that things do get better in time.

Take all the time you need to think and heal, and please remember that it's NOT your fault!

The Witch said...

Since this is my first time visiting your post I may not have the answers you are looking to hear.
First off start thinking about yourself. Passing that bar exam would be where I would fuel my angry, hurt and whats-up with this crap emotions. You need to be able to support yourself and do it well.
Don't ask him any more questions where you will ever feel pathetic about again.
Don't always be home and waiting for his call. Go out even if you just walk around the local mall or grocery store. It will help.
Don't trash him because you are better than that.
Go to the bank and any joint credit cards cancel!!! Talk to someone about your finances and what course of action is best for YOU not him at this point.
He is paying the rent to June which gives you a nice lead way to get your finances in order and life. Five month's will go by very quickly and you need to take advantage of this situation.
Sorry if I seem hard nose but you think you may know someone inside and out until this type of break-up happens.
I wish you all the best and will check back to see how you are doing. Please keep your chin up, he may not have been the one and has done you a favor.

Amber said...

Just saw this post ... I'm so sorry about this. I don't know what else to say, but I do think you deserve a lot of ice cream, junk food, and bad movies over the next couple weeks. : ) Keep blogging though ... even if it's not about personal finance, I think it will help and we can all be here to leave you comments and help you through. :)

-Amber

MoneyMaus said...

I am so, so sorry. I agree with a lot of the other comments...go through the motions. A breakup is hard, and I haven't lived with a BF before so I can only imagine. But really, get away for a weekend - away from your apartment and all reminders of him. Go visit friends/family because this is when you need them the most! They will completely take care of you. Look how many people are pulling for you, you can get through this. It'll hurt for a while, a week, a month, maybe longer but it DOES subside and eventually go away. Good luck and we're all here for you!

Sustainable said...

Wow, Im very sorry to hear this - I'm a frequent reader, but I think this is the first comment I've left.
Like everyone says, it will get better. Just let the clock spin by and focus on yourself and what you like to do to spend your time. If you dont feel like doing anything, then dont - sometimes it takes time (I've been there before as well). Good luck, and you'll be better off in the end.

Karissa said...

Oh dear :(
So sorry to hear this. It's actually the third breakup I have read about tonight, so I'm wondering if restlessness is in the air.
If I may ... as someone who lives with a lot of regret, may I suggest? Move out, find a room mate and start over, with new stuff. Distract yourself with studying and get that goal finished. You'll not regret it. Don't forget to take small self-care breaks. Keep blogging too! And hang in there. Hugs

me in millions said...

Oh honey! I'm so sorry. We're all here for you.

Sarah said...

Well,

That just sucks!

I notably enjoyed this bit: "BUT he wants me to know he still loves me. (Great!)". I went through a rough break-up last year, and those are never comforting words (WHY do they think they are comforting words?!). It's just too hard when the person you love the most is also the person making you feel like a load of bricks. Just know that we're all here for you! xx

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