Damage

I've done quite a bit of damage in the past two weeks... but at least have some returns to offset it??

Starting next week, I'll be in school and working from 8:30am-10:30pm two days a week, and the other three days I'll be studying, exercising, doing some creative writing and fiction reading, maybe taking a language class... so basically I'll have a lot less time for shopping in general. I hope this will help lessen my appetite??

At least I don't spend money on drinking, smoking or gambling. My bf and I have really been trying to cut back on eating out too, so... yeah, clothes/shoes shopping is my only (big huge) problem right now. How do I get myself to stop?? I've said "must stop" to myself a hundred times, but then I find myself casually browsing an online store, finding something I love, and easily and quickly clicking "purchase."

Maybe I should just go back to the working full time + school thing?? I thought quitting my job would make me stress less, subsequently making me shop less... but I guess I was wrong? :(

Do I just flat-out have an addiction? Instead of getting the constant urge to smoke, I have the constant urge to shop? When I shop, this runs through my head: "oh, this is moving me one step closer to having the perfect wardrobe; so perfect that I'll never have to shop again." Also, I think "this is the clothing/shoe that I've been missing! this will make my life easier" (i.e. flat black leather boots -- can wear them in the rain, with my jeans that are too short for anything but flats, flats will be easier on my feet, etc). Some of this is logical thought. Some of it isn't.

I hate grad school. Maybe this is all what it comes down to. Whether I'm working full time or not, school is always there, school is what I hate, school is what makes me shop, school is what makes me turn to my addiction. Honestly, I was such a healthier person 2 years ago, before this all started. I exercised all the time, I cared less about shopping, I cared more about spending quality time with my friends... I was happier.

And now I'm stuck with 80K+ in loans, and I have to keep going and make it through these last two years, even if I hate the profession that I went to school for in the first place. Sometimes I feel like I made all the wrong decisions two years ago. Or even farther back, when I was coddled and content back in undergrad.

Anyway. I'm just being dumb. I should be stronger than this. I made my decision, I need to quit whining. And I need to start saving, or I'm going to be in a much sadder state when I graduate.

3 comments:

Foxie said...

Wow, that's a lot to think about... It does sound an awful lot like an addiction, have you ever talked to anybody about it?

That sucks that you hate school, I know it'd be a bitch of a time for me if I absolutely hated it... I'm not a fan of chemistry, but if I work through it and tackle the problems, they make me feel a bit better. (Knowing I can do something remotely hard...)

That's just a crazy amount of money in two weeks, I can't imagine!! I know my hubby could blow that in a couple days, but that's on car parts... And those are crazy expensive. ;) (We're spending $3.5k on a hard top for our one convertible. That's not including paint... Hehe.)

Sunflowers said...

No, never talked to anyone... I would feel it'd be a waste of money to see a psychologist. More of a waste of money than clothes. :p (I have a degree in psych; I do see value in it. But not in my case)

I mean, on the one hand, I'm not spending so much that I can't eat, or easily afford all the other necessities in life. I enjoy everything in my wardrobe. When I don't enjoy it, it gets returned, or it gets sold.

On the other hand, part of the money I'm spending is coming from my loans, so I am spending beyond my means.

I feel conflicted. My bf gets sooo down on me about shopping. It makes me feel guilty and annoys the hell out of me. It's not like these clothes won't get used... especially the more expensive ones, I will actually need them when I graduate.

As far as hating school, maybe I just need to keep in mind that TONS of people hate law school. I remember one of my co-workers ranting about how horrible it was... but she came out and got her 160k job, so it worked out in the end. :p I'm not exactly content with that though... I liked enjoying school. :\

Anyway, thanks for your comments!

Foxie said...

Clothes are never a waste of money when they're cute and get worn. ;)

As long as you still have the basics covered, don't fret about the rest really... As long as you're content and such, nobody can really dictate what you spend the rest on. To each his own, right?

If your bf is concerned about you, he shouldn't rag on you... Instead, he ought to support better habits and what not. I know how that is on the other end, I got really tight on my husband and it started to create a bit of resentment. That's why I myself am lightening up and spending a little more. :) Sounds good and all, but even the "good" habits are habits and hard to break.

Law school, eh? Sounds rough... It's something I was kind of looking into, but med school still has me captivated... I can imagine not liking either, though. Undergrad is starting to wear me down, I just want to be done and have my career already! :/

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