Thanks for all the comments on the previous post everyone. :) M was able to get off work at a normal time yesterday and we went to dinner and had a good talk. He also took today off, and we had a fun morning and now he's helping me clean the house. (We both keep getting a little sidetracked, but at least we had good intentions :p)
A couple of things I wanted to respond to:
Miss M said: "Even when they aren't working their tails off I find it hard to convince a guy that household chores are worthy of their attention."
Yeah, I completely agree. He just doesn't think it's important (for either of us). As long as there are clean clothes, and one clean cup and plate... It's not something he thinks or cares about, and he doesn't understand why I obsess over it. Why are so many men like this?? I don't enjoy cleaning, but I also don't feel right unless it gets done.
Paranoidasteroid and Shtinkykat suggested we get a maid..... which I think is a good idea. Even just once a month would be great (to deep clean the bathroom and kitchen -- I draw the line at cleaning the bathroom (other than the counters) and the grossness that develops in the toilet/shower drives me crazy).
Kristy said: If talking to him doesn't help the situation, you may be faced with the hard decision of whether or not you see this relationship going anywhere. As I said, you clearly have different values. And communication seems to be a problem in that you talk, but he doesn't seem to be willing to compromise. Sometimes you just have to move on. Good luck with whatever you decide!
I realize that my readers' understanding of my relationship only comes from what I type (and my post was very negative), but this seems an overly harsh comment. He and I have been together for 5 years - would you say something like that to a married couple? The only difference between a married couple and us is a piece of paper. And though I occasionally need to rant, he and I do love each other, and he's been extremely supportive of me during the hell-that-is-law-school.
We've never had a problem communicating or compromising, which is probably why I'm struggling with the fact that he feels unable to compromise right now. He said he does miss spending time with me, but he's in the home stretch and he needs to give the project his all.
He's very ambitious, and he really cares about his job and the work product. It is admirable, and I am trying to be understanding. It helps that this never happens more than 4 months out of a year (that's his "crunch time") - the hours are much longer this time around because he's been promoted. So, I'm just going to try to work through my frustration by focusing on learning as much as I can at my job, exercising, studying, reading, seeing friends... and before I know it, he'll be done. ;)
I have something else to look forward to in August - he suggested we go on a vacation to New York! It was really nice hearing a suggestion like that come from his lips for once. ;) So, no more Europe, but a satisfactory substitute. I can't wait! :)
1 day ago
13 comments:
If this is a problem that can be fixed with 50-100/month with a maid, it's not much of a problem.
Oh, and I agreed with you about the "piece of paper" until I actually got one, and it really felt different.
You'll have to explain how it feels different!
(1) being married is different
(2) Kristy's advice is good whether or not the couple in question is married. If a couple can't solve their problems through discussion, and one partner always shuts down the other's attempt to try, there is a serious problem, whatever the status of the relationship.
(3) Kristy's advice may not be relevant to your relationship. Only you can determine this. However, your previous post did suggest that her advice was relevant.
1) A maid sounds like a great idea. I'm good about tidying and keeping the kitchen mostly clean, but yeah... bathrooms. Ick.
2) Try not to be defensive about people's comments. It doesn't matter if some random considers your relationship equivalent to marriage or not equivalent, if it is "different" or not. It only matters what you and M think about it.
Relationships aren't always simple and one discussion doesn't always fix stuff. Sometimes it takes time and compromises, and sometimes you are frustrated. That is normal. But eventually, your frustrations should get worked out. It sounds like they will be (or already are)
@The Lost Goat:
How is being married different? There is literally nothing that separates my married friends from my boyfriend and I, except a piece of paper (and the benefits that come with it). We live together. Our finances are intermingled. We support each other. We are committed to one another. Let's hear an explanation on how marriage differs from what we have.
I get the feeling that Kristy would not have said "sometimes you just have to move on" to someone that was married. Maybe I'm wrong. In any case, one does just "move on" from a marriage or a relationship as soon as one hits a rough patch. There has never been anything we couldn't work through.
@SP: Well, some of the comments to the last post were a bit presumptive. Clearly my post was a rant... right? And you get rants out of your system, and then you resolve the issue. I have seen other bloggers write entries in which "move on", "dump him" (etc) is a sensible comment... Not so when it came to my entry.
I do realize that relationships aren't simple. I've been in this one for 5 years. :) We've had our ups and downs, I sometimes need to rant about them, and then we quite peacefully resolve the issue and continue along our merry way. Perhaps I need to do "M is the best and I love him so much" post to get that across?
If you need to do a "M is the best and I love him" post I probably should do one on Rambo, because I vent sometimes in a negative way and then look back and think, hmmm. You are completely right when this story is only your perspective and their are two sides. I'm not married and we have been together for three years, known each other for five, and I sometimes feel our relationship is a hell of alot stronger and more mature than my married friends. If you ever need to vent, email me away girl. :)
@Serendipity: I live to vent ;) so I'll have to take you up on that offer! Thanks!! :)
I think that some married people need to convince themselves that the fact that they're married makes their relationship special or stronger in some way. I figure they need to convince themselves of that, because otherwise they'd just feel trapped. :p I need to do a post about this...
I totally disagree with the last commenter. Men just don't see messes! My skin will be crawling if I get in our shower after a long stretch of not cleaning, but he will let it build up and barely notice.
I try never to write anything about Chad on my blog for this very reason. People read one post and think they have your whole life figured out! ;-)
My advice was not meant to be harsh, just an observation of what was previously written. I apologize if it offended you in any way.
To your question of whether or not I would have said it to a married couple, absolutely. The thing is, if you're in a relationship - whether married or committed to one another - communication is the biggest key to making it successful. If there isn't communication then the relationship isn't growing and it fosters resentment from one or both parties. I believe in doing everything you can to make a relationship work, but sometimes you've done all you can and you just need to move on, married or otherwise. Now, as you said, I don't have an insight to your entire relationship, so my thoughts were merely coming from the post at hand, but you kind of have to expect that when you post your frustration. Again, my intentions weren't to upset you, but based on what your wrote, can you really blame me for offering the advice? Irrespective of the fact that this situation only happens 4 months out of the year, it still seems that sometimes communication is a problem for you guys. If getting a maid fixes the problem, then I'd say do it. Find a compromise that works because if you don't, eventually the relationship deteriorates. That's all I'm saying.
Kristy @ MYC
www.masteryourcard.com/blog
BTW - I didn't make an assumption that I knew all about anyone's lives here. I merely offered a suggestion based on the information at hand. If it doesn't apply, then disregard it.
Kristy @ MYC
www.masteryourcard.com/blog
My number one rule about talking about my relationships is to always be aware that you are your partner's representative. How people perceive your partner, especially without contact with him, is in your hands. I'm not saying not to vent! Not at all, just that I have observed that time and again, people unintentionally misrepresent their partners because they only talk about them when venting and forget that the venting is all we see of the person in question.
We just have to assume that M is probably a great guy and that you both actually work quite well together until we see/hear otherwise.
I think it's like if you journal when you're angry, and not when you're happy. Reading the journal would convince you the author was a sad miserable soul. *ahem* I have gotten rid of said journal!
We're all sort of 2 dimensional characters here on the internet because we only hear what you're thinking at the time, and don't see what you're living. And that's fine. It's just helpful to be aware of how limited your audience's perceptions will be.
I can't tell you the number of times that I've become outraged on a friend's behalf against his or her supposedly ungrateful, thoughtless SO only to finally meet the dude/dudette and realize he/she forgot to mention all the great qualities because, duh, "I wouldn't be dating him if he weren't great!" :)
It's something I actually talked to Boy about early on in the relationship, and we both trust that if we discuss each other to our acquaintances, we're careful to be fair and evenhanded. Which makes us pretty awesome, too. ;)
Awesome that M suggested NY! The "workaholism" is just something that's tough to negotiate when they love their work. :) It takes time for us to learn balance.
i think you might be a tad bit defensive on this issue. After all no one on this blog knows your bf. They only know what you type. So basically we know that he has a lot of money he doesn't mind giving you but has no time to spend with you. Obviously, that's not the whole picture but that's all your readers have and that's all they can comment on. It's the same as bloggers that only post about how much they paid down without blogging about the extra expenses they incur. So if you want a more balanced reaction, you might have to make an effort to post about him when you're happy too not just when you vent.
Jim at mydebtblog (now closed) had the same problem where everyone was telling him to divorce his wife, but it was mainly because he only talked about her when he had something to complain about (legit things, no doubt).... i second the other person's comment about it being similar to a diary.... if u read mine u'd think i was a depressed soul (and i shouldn't blame you) because i only write when i'm upset (when i'm happy, i'm too happy to think about writing)..
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